Broken I honestly don't know how else to do this... I hate fucking drama, I fucking hate it with a passion. I honestly don't feel like myself anymore. I've been slowly degrading into something that I hate over the past month or so, and it's killing me. I'm having alot of trouble pulling myself out of this one. I'm honestly having alot of problems holding on. I hate to do it this way, I hate to do it over fucking myspace, or livejournal, or anything like that... But I really can't even show my emotions to people. I've been pouring them out into lyrics, and crying myself to sleep, but I can't seem to let anyone really know how I feel. Everytime someone is around, I perk up, and refuse to show it... Not cause I'm trying to hide it, but because I honestly don't trust anyone knowing how I feel, or how fragile I am right now.
I've been doing some really stupid shit, and I've been thinking of some seriously stupid shit. I've made more mistakes in the past month and a half then I have in a long time, and it feels like everything I've built up over the past 7 years has all fallen victim to my own insecurity. I can't seem to open up to anyone, at all, and my emotions are like a fucking waterfall. I'm hiding it though... and that worries me. Things are constantly going through my head, and when they show up, I don't push them away. In fact, I embrace them.
Shit is peeling apart, and at a quicker pace then I think I can handle. I feel so hurt now, it's tearing me apart. The only person I can blame though, is myself, which makes it even worse on me. I let all this happen to me, and I let myself fall back into something that I hate. I've lost so much trust, it's insane. In everything.
What makes it worse, is that I shouldn't have lost what I did, I don't even understand what happened to me. Every day it's something new, and something else changes. But, whatever it is, it's gunna keep effecting me until I am clear, until I become numb altogather, or worse. I'm not trying to be dramatic, I fucking hate drama, and you all know that. I just honestly don't know how else to say this to anyone, the only time I feel like I can even show my emotions is when I am sitting alone listening to music. I've never hurt so bad. I've never been so confused. I've never felt so backed into a corner.
There's someone out there that is enjoying this though, someone that has wanted this for a long time. Well, I hope your fucking happy, and just for the record, if you're reading this, right now, you're not the person I'm talking about, because that person would never read this, and even if they wanted to, couldn't. I'm in a bad place now, and I can't even let anyone help me, cause I can't let anyone in. For those of you who care about me, I'm sorry... I'm the one that's drowning now.